Where are you?

O.K.
W.H.E.R.E A.R.E. Y.O.U. ?
I don't want to spend immense amount of time searching for you, can you just show yourself? I'm tired.
It's been a whole month. I have lost track of you and i don't know where to look for. I dumped the tiny bit of wisdom i had in the Pacific Ocean on the way to Orlando. As a exchange, i left a part of me in Orlando. Which part, i don't know. I am not complete, that's all i know.
I felt like a shadow the past month. I was everywhere and i was nowhere. I see no reason for my severe lack of concentraton but i have to accept the fact and improve the situation. That's all i know. I closed my eyes and looked up on a bench in Hong Kong Park today, muttering "where the hack is my spirit?"
God knows.
I have never felt as bad. More than one people had gave me such an comment: "incredibly good in practical work but weak in thinking." For the past twenty years, what have i done? I traced flying colors in my extracurricular activities column, and what? I was never the one who did the thinking. All i had done was work --- execute orders. An interesting metaphor from my sister, like horses in carts who act accordance to the whip of the owners (portrayal of her experience working in the government.) I can stand the cramps and stitches no more.
Shall i see my current state as a realization from my early life or ......... pre-lunacy? My bad performance in tests, exercises and work are not as bad a drag, it's my severe of-no-reason concentration problem which drives me to crazy. I constantly felt a state of incompleteness and me, not in the sense of soulmate incompleteness.
I don't know. I am tired.
I cannot deceive myself any longer. I never like translation.
I so want to go: i don't give a fuck of my translation bachelor degree, fuck the cert, i don't give a damn, and then what? I have lost track of myself. On the crossroad, there's nowhere to go. For a good five years, i thought psychology was what i should work my way up to. Somebody suggested social work that time. I was still fighting for psychology in my freshmen year. Then i knew, psychology in school is not what i expected. I will never like the lab and biology.
In more ancient times, i thought i could be a good writer. I could write pretty well and my chinese teacher used to recite my prose in class, pinpointed what was well-written. I dreamt that someday when i am a renowned writer, i could tell my interviewers: he is the teacher of my life.
I ended up in translation major. Period. I have to learn translation theories and philosophies. Period.
Except writing, the above two, i can be one hundred percent sure, are disciplines which i don't want to indulge in. I like literature, women's studies and art. So?
I D.O.N.' T. K.N.O.W.

P.S. Leo Koo said sobbingly early this year: ' I am really fond of singing.' This's what i am seeking for.