理

大概是由信仰 'god is dead' 以及科學的急速發展開始，人們相信，理性是好的。
從前相信寫作，需要為感性開路，想起要寫作，便坐下來培養那種幽幽的情緒。既然生活風平浪靜，自然要自己製作一番暴風雨。後來整個人受感性主導，很容易淪陷、崩潰，為小事像行屍酒肉，一派「今天下人負我，莫我負天下人」的激昂但悲涼。誤以為自己是烈士。現在每一次看自己的舊日記都毛骨悚然看不下去。
後來全心全意鑽研學術，唸哲學、理論，凡事皆用理性思考邏輯分析。有朋友說我比以前像個哲學家，亦有朋友說受不住我什麼事都用邏輯，是用理性分析去遮掩內在的感性或女性特徵。過了一段短時間，因為太常用理性分析，習慣了把自己抽離於事情以外，結果一步一步的疏遠人群，自跟自說話。好可怕的。
我不懂評論理性感性誰好誰壞，是我根本不認為誰比誰好、誰比誰差。我認為理性與感受該平衡發展，是因為清楚知道理性與感性對自己的影響，而單一發展有什麼壞處。相信理性即是好，與感性主導一切，同樣具殺傷力。前者是製造無感情的冷血動物，後者最終容易讓人變成精神病患者。有天看信報看到「理性消費」一欄嚇了一大跳：買日本雪花牛肉是理性消費，那什麼是「非理性消費」？怎麼也想不明白，理性跟消費如何扯上關係。打理財務跟理性處理財務，可是兩碼子的事。
盲目相信科學理性，也不過是盲頭蒼蠅。不理解科學的邏輯，科學是沒有意義的。不知如何運用理性，也是把寶刀當開山刀用(可憐的屠龍刀)。盲目受感性牽著走，等於把飛機校至auto-navigation，讓飛機撞向山邊。被自己製造出來的東西吞噬。
現在，我還是相信要平衡理性與感受，讓自己感受世界的苦與甜又不至淪陷；讓自己把世界解構又至抽離。
暫時的理想，就是這樣吧。

口音

俾人串係美國人串左成年，真係慘﹗
點解美國人會遭受到不禮貌對待？我都無得罪d英國人﹗
其實未番黎之前，我都唔知自己好有美國口音。只係有一次我講個sucks字o既時候，我o既美國朋友們呆左望住我，講：「welcome to America!」
我無特登學d咩口音，只係處於某一個環境就會令你改變你o既口音。就好似除左打機之外，我好少講粗口咁(不過打機o個陣我又真係會鬧死d怪獸)。由於班上面有一個有好posh British accent o既同學仔，我同佢o既口音先會咁突出。有時聽完佢講野我都忍唔住o係度笑，點解會差咁遠o既？
British accent幾好聽，抑揚頓挫咁，講野好似唸詩，不過要我下下咁樣咬d字，d字唔痛我個口都「支力」啦。星期六番工o個班同事個個英國人，所以都開始學倒d，gals、day、die........都可以講倒British accent。尤其係平時讀野，就可以好做作咁讀d british accent出黎。只係一情急起上黎，我就露晒底。好似o個日無啦啦無心理準備martha叫我用兩分鐘解釋點解鍾意o個首詩，同其他詩有咩分別，我就完全露底。仲要係我好耐無聽過自己咁slur(自從俾某prof 投訴我講野slur同另一prof聽唔明我講野)，今次真係千年道行一朝喪.........唉........
所謂美國口音都唔係度度slur。老實講florida o既人唔算slur啦，加州d人傻o家，條長期打結，講野又快，我都唔明佢地趕住做咩。texas o既口音好得意，前一個字尾會痴住之後個字o既字頭，講野會d音成日唔斷尾咁。就算英國口音都有好多種啦，london、oxbridge同南面人o既口音都已經差好遠，都唔好講scottish同irish啦。
學唔同口音係好好玩o家，o個時就成日同d fd扮 local floridians 講野，即係好似含住口飯咁。有日番工食lunch行過香港公園，見倒對外國人夫婦望住份地圖好茫然咁，我就八卦行埋去問佢地駛唔駛幫手。結果呢對英國人夫婦聽倒有人講英文嚇呆左，左右張望發覺原來係我仲驚，最後我都教左佢地點去。係呀，因為我用British accent美國用字同佢講野呀嘛，唔嚇親幾難啦。睇倒佢地個樣就好笑。o係美國教我哲學o既耶穌(佢d頭髮同鬍鬚都好長)，就話自己同中國人講普通話o既時候，就成日俾人當係"talking dog"，所有人驚訝之餘，都唔會再理佢講o既係咩。
有時我同d外國人講英文都有咁o既感覺。試過o係canteen買三文治，後面個人聽倒我講英文，大驚問我：「下？點解你d英文講得咁好o既？」我心諗，呢個世界上唔係好多地方o既人係monolingual o家炸兄弟。
老實，我寧願做talking dog都唔做monolingual。

dating.....mating......bloody hell

wasn't about to talk about this in lunar new year. actually was about to talk about things grand..........kinda have some topics ready

not in the mood for something serious though........not even in the working mode.....ho

yep....D.A.T.I.N.G.

B.I.G_T.H.I.N.G (urgh)

on the second day of lunar new year, i got a call from my relatives abroad.

well.....and i happened to pick it up. after a few lunar-new-year-greeting-sort-of-thing, she asked, in an examining tone:

"Why aren't out for a date? It's lunar new year."

And i heard myself answer before i can hold back:

"Well...no...no...no...well.......not today."

By the time i heard that TODAY-word, i heard my heart saying:

"yea.....not today, not yesterday, not last week, not last month..............not last year..................bloody...........it's not your business."

SEE?

it gets me everytime when i have to answer questions like this. i am so unattractive and uninteresting in this area. Sorry. Guess some of my friends will soon set me up for dates, get some weird guys for a dinner or something.(they have actually said so......intimidating)Everyone is so keen to sell me out. Yea.....you didn't hear me wrong: SELL_ME_OUT.

i happened to mistakenly called someone that i didn't intend to and left a rather rude voicemail in his voicemail box. Anyway, i was about to call the girl instead of the guy who shares the same name. That guy is my sis'bf 's fd too, makes things even worse. My sis managed to put up an entirely different story, like what paparazi does, told my dad that:

"Your daughter just asked a guy out for valentine's."(obviously i had completely forgotten about valentine's until earlier i was trying to schedule a dinner with my old friends for next monday and one of my friends had to tell me it is valentine's day. And i answered: sorry, i'm single. You know.)

I saw that glittering smile on my dad's face as if it was the best thing he has ever heard and said:

"What a good thing to hear! Finally got you out of the house and found someone."

SEE?

Dunno where everyone got that stupid idea of 異國情(exotic love? urgh). sorry couldn't think of any appropriate english term. Everyone was dying to know if i have any kickass romance with any creature from abroad. Well...yea.......i should have shagged some americans, or any creature i've found(or that old Scottish........fuck......i would rather die, seriously), so then i would have something to talk about: "Their cocks are really bigger than chinese's." How would i know anyway. And how would they know? Bloody.

Not that i'm not into guys or boys(as far as i know i'm still quite straight), or i have commitment phobia, relationship allergy.....those sort of crap, but that i haven't met anyone that i really really like recently, well, you can say for two years. It's not anyone's fault and i couldn't help it.

Several days ago i just sort of refreshed the memories of my freshmen year. I was so out of market! Never ever that out of market and looked so ready before! Yea, and i paid for that. Such blows. I got so much to ponder on that i am still not entirely get over from those chaos. More disasters-catastrophe like. I finally realised there are things i cannot turn my blind eyes on. I can handle my things pretty well but can never play a game of two well.

Somehow i hope i can have a new start by getting the old things end. May be that's what pisses me off just the sight of him. Never ever entirely over or shift to another stage. Sometimes i wonder i may for last resort slap him or fucking curse/ bitch him. I dreamt about that but Nope......i know i couldn't and i know he got me on that. I have only enough cruelty to pretend nothing happened and run away, but not to demean him.

I thought last year was an end. Was i? When i got the coffin and that "jack-in-the-box"............

If i push things to the limit, that will just devastate both of us.

So if you ask me, i will choose to run as fast as i can.





That dating-mating scenario, sorry, i'm still not that keen to pin myself on it.